


Inwards, Onwards

by deviltakehimback



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F, berena - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-04
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-08-12 23:42:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7953709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deviltakehimback/pseuds/deviltakehimback
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An exploration of Bernie's journey from 'Serenity' to Serena.</p><p>She has had quite a lot to learn. </p><p> </p><p>TW: reference to IED/gunfire/warfare.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inwards, Onwards

**\---**

 

There's something about an adrenaline-fueled life that changes a person. Naturally. Berenice Wolfe realised that quite quickly, all things considered. Lying in a bed in Holby General, having been blown and flown back from her odd little bubble, her fight-or-flight instinct was in full swing.

Years of it will teach you how to deal with it. Live on it, or burn alive.

So spotting an issue between her would-be operating surgeons, she knew she needed to fix it. Focus on the issue at hand, find a solution, and make sure they got her through her surgeries.

Surgery. If they could be professional enough to deal with each other and get on with it.

They were falling over themselves, but still somehow they managed.

This Dr. March (she could pronounce her first name, but heaven help her if she ever had to spell it) seemed a little lost, and Bernie had never been one to shirk from voicing an opinion. The young woman seemed torn between opposing factions. Quite simple really.

And that's how she heard the words fall from her mouth.

"You can't live your life to please other people. You just make yourself miserable, and then everyone's miserable."

She'd spent so long making her own mistakes, if she could call them that, she might as well pass on some life lessons along the way.

Not that she saw the irony in that.

\- - -

 

She wouldn't exactly be quick to admit that she struggles to keep her mouth shut, but if anyone prodded a bit they'd get a confession in the end. She's well aware of it; it landed her in deep water enough times. That's one difference between her soldier-self and her civilian incarnation. Major Wolfe would never break if tortured, but Bernie couldn't resist a little softness. Ask the right questions and she'd open like a book.

Sometimes, the opinionated streak ended up being very much worth it, when she'd been dealt a good hand. Or a good handshake, as it were. That at least was her reward for spouting practically useless car-trouble information on her first day on the Holby General payroll.

She'd always had respect for people with strong handshakes. Moreso when they were attractive. A troublesome realisation, as it's almost standard issue in the army. Somehow, though, she'd met quite a few doctors with limp wrists along the way. She hated it.

Dr. Campbell however… well her grip was nigh-on perfection for a handshake. Bernie sighed inwardly and chastised herself for even noticing, while appreciating the playful tone in Serena's voice.

Well, everyone has a weakness.

 

\- - -

 

So many broken bones, broken bodies, broken everything. When they weren't flown home in body-bags, it wasn't uncommon for them to wish they had been.

Bernie could see where they were coming from, from time to time.

It's not easy relearning the rules on this side of the world, but she wouldn't stop trying. And there was no way in hell she was going to let anyone else give up on it, not on her watch.

It doesn't matter how many patients you lose to the void. It doesn't matter how many colleagues or friends disappear before your eyes. What matters is that if you can save one life, then you're doing your job. It may have taken years for Bernie to understand that, but eventually she starting working on a case by case basis. Save this one. On to the next.

Keep going or your heart will be too far gone to be saved.

 

\- - -

 

She felt like she was in training again. Despite those 'extensive' skills that everyone had been harping on about, she felt like she was at the bottom of the ladder and climbing it with weights tied to her ankles. Did nobody deign to treat her as an equal?

She did start off as a patient, of course, so maybe that affected their ability to realise just how often it was that she ended up being right. She made good decisions. Usually. She may make them quickly, but they ought not hold that against her. It was in her blood.

So when Griffin kept getting on her back simply for _doing her job_ , she felt herself being pushed to the edge of her patience.

Good thing he figured out how to listen to her. She was earning her stripes all over again, and it made her blood boil. Off-day after off-day and she felt like she was losing her mind.

 

\- - -

 

Aye, aye. If Serena Campbell wanted her coffee strong and hot, Bernie wasn't going to stand in her way. She felt a pang of something then, because she knew that if she was actually the person she wanted to be, she'd make a quip about those being her exact criteria for women.

She briefly wondered if Serena's taste would be the same, in some alternate universe where Serena Campbell was any way interested in women. The hand pressed lightly to her upper arm as Serena swept past her didn't help matters. Best nip that sort of thinking in the bud.

Of all the times for someone to choke on breakfast. Bernie reckoned she couldn't have been more grateful for the distraction, or for the excuse to ignore her husband.

She didn't particularly want to dwell on that either.

 

\- - -

 

She was dwelling on it.

Spending time with Marcus, alone, was trying at best and a time-bomb at worst. When she was at home, she mostly just wanted to be at work. At least nobody had tried to call her Mrs. Dunn.

And then there was Serena. She kept appearing out of thin air, usually with a coffee and sometimes with a coffee for her, and Bernie's mind was doing somersaults away from the pull she felt, towards this woman she hardly even knew. Trying to forget about Alex was hard enough without this. Her ability to complicate matters astounded her.

Bernie barely recognised herself.

She said it herself, she took the job at Holby for her husband, but she grew into it. Trial by fire, as they say. She thought she'd seen enough fire to do her a lifetime, but something about the burn was rather addictive.

 

\- - -

 

Just as she was beginning to think she had family life all sewn up, the storm hit. She hadn't known Alex was even in the country, for Christ's sake. Her heart nearly beat out of her chest at the sight of her.

Just like old times.

Except this time, all she felt was panic. If she'd learned one bloody thing in Holby it was to put differences aside for the sake of the patient, though, so she would find the strength to get through.

She had to, or she'd shatter. She'd already been blown up once and she wasn't going back for seconds.

Which is all well and good until the patient is pronounced dead, and a colleague catches a glimpse of a kiss that should never have happened. She wanted Alex gone and she'd gotten what she wanted. But was that actually what she wanted at all?

She wished she could hate Alex. She ended up hating herself.

 

\- - -

 

Divorce. Another lesson. Stop lying, stop hiding. Stop pretending to be in love with a man you can't even look at any more. Doesn't it ever feel like the universe is trying to get a message across? When it put a quarantine bay between her and Marcus she should have guessed that it meant she should stay away from him. She had thought it meant she should stay away from the army.

She hadn't been wrong, but she hadn't exactly been right.

 

\- - -

 

She found it almost poetic, being uncerimoniously outed to basically the entire world, between her own email cock-up and such a misguided attempt to help another military girl find her way. Christ, how badly wrong she'd been. Of course Serena would be right there to hear it. She'd been so happy to be beside Serena for even a short time that day and then of course it would all come tumbling down.

Broken, she'd seen if Serena might want to go for a drink. Something good might come of the day yet, she figured. And then there she was, being caught out in another of her lies - well, a careful omission if she was honest but the end result was the same. Either way Serena was pissed off, rightly so, and Bernie had just about lost the will to live.

 

\- - -

 

She felt a little as though she was dreaming, after that, being able to draw a line under her dishonesty with Serena. Strange what a man with an inanimate object stuck in his rectum can do for a girl these days.

She had nearly fallen over at the challenge of an arm-wrestle, having quite a pleasant flashback to her first meeting with Serena, when their hands had first become acquainted. She hadn't been expecting something quite so intimate, not like this, not so quickly. She swallowed hard, fighting back every little voice that was telling her to draw further into Serena's personal space. She swallowed her pride, too; couldn't have Serena losing when there was a rare chance at friendship at stake.

She was beginning to think that maybe there was more to Serena Campbell than met the eye. For one, she had a wicked sense of humour and rather an angelic laugh. Bernie really wouldn't mind hearing that again.

 

\- - -

 

Careful omission of fact had led to Serena tendering her resignation. Nothing quite compares to a threat like that, and Bernie couldn't really deal with thinking about it. Holby wouldn't be the same without Serena.

She had hoped the emergency kit might sway things into her favour. Another olive branch, as it were.

She never expected to walk out of Hanssen's office, on very much equal standing with Dr. Campbell. Some things do change.

 

\- - -

 

Talk about a series of unfathomable events. Alex coming back had sent her into a frenzy, Marcus was less than pleasant in the divorce proceedings, her own son landed into a hospital bed and her relationship with her daughter was on ice.

The only good thing going for her would have to be her budding friendship with Serena, who seemed increasingly present to pick up the pieces that Bernie was losing. And she seemed to be throwing that away as well. She could see herself doing it and couldn't stop it. Spiralling again.

What she really needed was a lie-down and a cigarette, and maybe to get laid, but there was slim chance of getting any of those any time soon.

Bernie felt completely exposed.

Camouflage is only any good in context, after all.

 

\- - -

 

She would never give up on hope. The broken record in the back of her mind wouldn't let her. There could always be something good waiting around the corner. Alex had been a surprise. Everything they'd had together had been wonderful, and it had been entirely unexpected.

She couldn't understand why she kept lying. Some deeply engrained need to protect the people around her, and here she was. Hurting basically everyone. What spiral of hell had she dumped herself into?

She knew, though, that it wouldn't have been any different if she'd gone back to her commission.

Because of course, Major Wolfe never really came back from war. On some level, Alex had to know that. On some level, Bernie knew that the Alex she had known and loved only ever existed in a war-zone. They'd never survive this world together.

She said as much. In the most painful, open email she has ever written, she came out with it. A part of her said that digital correspondence was the coward's choice. She was being honest, though, which she felt made up for that much. In person, or over the phone, she'd crack again and she damn well knew it. She wasn't going to let that happen again. She needed to move well along and Alex needed the same.

With a shaky hand she'd be ashamed of in any other situation, Bernie hit send. She supposed this was what growing a pair felt like.

 

\- - -

 

The response, a short but sweet email of bitter acceptance, left Bernie feeling oddly like nothing had changed. Strange. She'd expected to feel more of a cut, after all that - but she supposed she'd already done all the cutting when she ran home to husband.

She wondered how long it had been since she'd truly longed for Alex. Actually Alex, and not just the idea of her, tied up with her shock at being thrown off the battlefield. She certainly felt like she was pining but she wasn't quite sure what for.

She thought about what Cameron had said, about how she looked at Serena. Perhaps what she really needed was somewhat closer to home, however unattainable.

Bernie released a slow breath, and tried not to think about her colleague and the light touches she'd been levelling on Bernie's skin over the past weeks. Holby certainly does grow on you.

 

\- - -

 

By now, surely, she had earned her stripes. As a doctor, certainly. Maybe not as a human being. The look of utter disappointment in Serena's eyes was breaking her, and not slowly. She was losing her grip.

She'd slipped out enough advice to others, and learned to ask for it right back. She'd been trying to make herself a better person. She'd been doing so well, making a go of it. Really, she'd just made a shit of it.

She was so tired. Cameron had at least spoken to her. There'd be hope for Charlotte still, she had to believe that. Alex, she hoped, could be at peace.

Then there was Serena. A constant, positively glowing beacon of what might be, if she could pull herself together. Regardless of whether or not that might extend past friendship, Bernie could only hope. She had to hang onto that one. She shuddered at the memory of anger in Serena's eyes, and quickly chose to replace it with the image of her smile. Rather unwavering these days, at least from what Bernie could see, despite her turning back into the big lying macho army medic.

She had done it for her son, and Serena would understand. Did understand.

Bernie couldn't help but feel that Serena was speaking a little generally when she said that love means you defend the indefensible. She couldn't help but have that bit of hope. Because she wasn't stupid enough to think that she hadn't already fallen quite deeply for Dr. Campbell, despite her denial.

Though she wasn't sure she'd ever tried to fight it.

\- - -

 

And now Fletcher was at death's door because of her. She remembered her little chat with Dom; their peace offerings and shared experience. She'd been so ashamed then, so afraid.

Some of that fear had left her. She'd done what she could, and now Fletch just needed time. It seemed in short supply these days.

So when Bernie sits in a heap on the theatre floor, she's surprised that Serena opts to stay along with her. She's surprised, because time seems to simply stop. She's grateful for Serena's presence, especially after all the rubbish she's been throwing at her, not to mention the mess she's been making of their shared office. She can't really understand why Serena's stood by her, all in all.

How on earth Serena Campbell can still switch on the thousand-watt smile, in a crisis like this, Bernie does not know. But she welcomes it all the same. It's hard not to get pulled in by that, as she does every time.

And for some very odd reason Serena is telling her she's fantastic, which is bullshit, but she's also saying she's fearless.

What's even more weird is that Bernie feels like she actually might be right.

She had thought she was brave enough to fix things with Alex, but it was all too little, too late. She had taken the necessary steps, though, in the aftermath. Newly single, Bernie hadn't felt quite like this in twenty-five odd years.

Thrilling, what that can do to a person. Freeing. She did feel fearless.

So when she turned to meet Serena's gaze, huddled on the tiles of the operating theatre, she knew what she had to do.

Stop lying. Stop hiding.

She felt herself lurch forward, meeting Serena's lips with fervour and lighting a fire in her. In a millisecond, she felt it. She wasn't in this alone. Serena was bloody well kissing her back. She broke contact, to be certain, searching for Serena's eyes to get confirmation.

She needn't wait for long. In an instant, Serena's mouth is back to do some very serious work, and it's not long until they're both breathless. They claw at each other through surgical gowns, Bernie's left hand finding its way to rest on Serena's hip, just under her scrubs. The touch of skin seems like it might be addictive and Bernie wishes wholeheartedly that they were somewhere a little more private.

Bernie never quite imagined what it would be like to have Serena Campbell biting on her lower lip, trailing kisses along her jaw, nipping at her neck and drawing short gasps from her lungs. Actually she never fully let herself think about being devoured by Serena; she didn't see the point in entertaining such fantasies.

Right about now, though, her mind could think of very little else, adrenaline pulsing in her veins and pushing her forwards. Drawing her right hand up to the nape of Serena's neck, her fingers splayed and stroking the skin there, she steadies Serena as she deepens their kiss. She is quite delighted by the moan that this elicits from Serena, very much spurred on in her actions.

What a pity, then, that doctors must continue to be doctors even when their hearts have other ideas. Their pagers start to beep in unison, snapping them out of their reverie and back to the very real world around them. They blink. Serena's face is flushed, and Bernie would bet that hers is much the same.

She stands, just about, and offers Serena a hand up.

"Alright Fräulein, we're needed." Bernie does not let go of her hand in haste. She savours it, looking down at their intertwined fingers, and feeling Serena's gaze follow along. She squeezes lightly, confident in the gesture. Serena's fingers react in kind, her thumb tracking its way across Bernie's knuckle. She shivers at the promise of it.

The sparkle in Serena's eye is irresistible, and Bernie dashes to drop a faint kiss on her lips before they go to face whatever is calling them away. As she pulls away, there's something else in Serena's eyes that she can't quite pinpoint. Something new for her to learn about, no doubt.Perhaps she'll be able to teach her a few things herself…

"Right. Hop to it, soldier!"

And just like that, Bernie snaps to attention. Not a bad feeling, all things said and done. Sort of a bridge between two worlds. Orders she can deal with, when she has faith in the person doing the ordering.

She holds the door for Serena as they make their way out of the theatre. As they settle into their stride, side by side as equals, Bernie thinks this feels awfully like a beginning.

 

**Author's Note:**

> [Some light musical accompaniment once you've finished.](https://play.spotify.com/track/7rUxCfQG7yi2I6oHNvylOs)
> 
>  
> 
> <3


End file.
